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February 12th, 2006

11:05 pm - it's aliiiiiiiive holy shit, she's back from the dead! not that i think anyone is reading this anymore, but i figured why the fuck not. so what's happened...well i've had5 5 different jobs, finally found one i liked. met shawn, loved shawn, broke both our hearts. experienced quite a few different men. a couple ladies too. enjoying myself immensely. met the beautiful and amazing vikki. one of the best friends i've made yet. what a doll she is. shambhala happened. changed my whole perspective on shit. happiest days of my life. made everything after almost worth it. and this year will be even better because i will have none of the guilt. happy with my cats, planning on buying a guitar, smoking lots of drugs and getting laid like a madwoman. life is pretty fucking cool right now kids, and don't let anyone tell you any different. Current Mood: happy Current Music: chemical brothers

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April 25th, 2004

06:57 pm - who knew it was possible? i worked today. and wouldn't you know it? my day didn't, thats right, DID NOT, suck ass. i've switched to zone 1 now, working in ladies wear. i ran around all day, worked my ass off, and loved every damn minute of it. the hectic busyness that seems to drive everyone else mad is exactly what i thrive on. fast pace rocks so hard! okay, okay, i still hate my job. but at least now the time flies by, and i spend less time thinking about how mindless the job is. fan-fucking-tastic! Current Mood: impressed

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April 20th, 2004

05:41 pm - it came it came it came!!!! finally! it seemed like i waited for EVER but it finally came!!!!! hahahahahahahhahahahahahahah! yes! it is so beautiful and so sweet and so fantastic and i love it and it is awesome! its my monotremes and obscenities shirt, by the way. ~happy dances all over the damn place~ Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Pop-Up Video

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April 18th, 2004

07:27 pm - Introducing... My darling new degu, the amazing, wonderful, talented Beatrix Kiddo!!!! yup...i know its cheap, having just seen the movie and all, but whatever. i'll just call her trix for short and no one will be the wiser. you should all come meet her, cuz she's just to darn sweet for words. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Billy Talent / Nirvana / Chili Peppers

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April 12th, 2004

10:58 pm - bleeger blu yeah, actually not much to say. except... SEX ROCKS SO HARD!!!!!!!!!! right..okay. so, i might be without a computer for a little bit. y'all can call me at jenn's cell if its important. i should have a number soon. peace out, yo! Current Mood: busy Current Music: No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom

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April 11th, 2004

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April 8th, 2004

01:59 pm - oh my goodness i have a surprise for you all. its a secret. you have to visit me to get it!!!! i'm so sneaky! Current Mood: giddy Current Music: rockin' out, yo!

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April 7th, 2004

04:16 pm - whew one exam...done! one to go. i don't feel to crappy about this one either. hurrah for me. its the lit one tomorrow that terrifies me. eeeeeh! don't like it. no! so now i have to go reread all the works, in the hopes that i'll remember who wrote the damn things. burgerhurgerumpublah. yes. okay. and clean my room. bugger. Current Mood: lazy Current Music: i think i'll put in some Marilyn...maybe

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April 6th, 2004

03:40 pm - arrrgh! i don't want to study! this is a huge problem! i know i should, but i just can't seem to make myself. maybe i should lock myself in a room and try corporal punishment. beat myself into submission....hmm...somehow i just don't think that would help at all. no, no i don't think so. okay! i had lunch, and i'm off to try again! go me! Current Mood: restless Current Music: System of a Down

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12:47 pm - HA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I win I win I win!!!! and then i win some more!!!!!!!!! i don't know how many people i mentioned it too, but i entered a contest on goats. my very first entry into one of Zammy's delicious contests. wooo for me! and now i get my very own goats.com style tshirt! free! huzzah!!!!! now if only i could choose which one i want. there's so many....sigh. but.... I WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh, you can check out my WINNING entry here, if you like http://www.goats.com/forums/pub/1094/comment.html?cid=15480 Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: it involves me dancing around and singing I WIN over and ove

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April 4th, 2004

06:57 pm - noodles oodles of poodley noodles. or noodley poodles. whichever you prefer. whats new, whats new? still sad a lot. sigh. but, not quite as often. which is good. i think thats an okay sign. exams next week. pooh. ugh. and so forth. i'm quite afraid actually. but meh. we'll see. i still hate my job. a lot. its ugly and stupid and horrible. but its money. full-time money. i guess that means something. well. quite an update we have here. still sad, still job hating, still quite melancholy. but you all know me. that doesn't mean i'm not grinning like an insane jack-o-lantern. just my dual nature i guess. happy sad happy sad sad sad happy happy sad happy. sorta like that. meh. thats me i guess. on a plus side for the rest of you, i've decided to try and keep my feelings to myself and not be such an obvious self-pitying whore all the time. we'll see how that goes. Current Mood: apathetic

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April 1st, 2004

12:19 pm - oh yeah, that feels good You are: CATWOMAN! Which Batman Villain Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Current Mood: pleased

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11:21 am - er? and what the hell do we make of this friends and neighbours? http://batmanbegins.warnerbros.com/page.html Current Mood: worried

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11:10 am - 2 DAYS LEFT!!! holy hell i'm so fucking excited i could dance! ~dances~ see! i really really really am. eeeeeeeee! anyway...jubilation aside... i had a date. well, i had two dates. tanya set me up with a friend of hers. this whole dating thing is...interesting. i've never really done it before. i'm not sure what to think. i've been trying to gather opinions. is it normal to not really feel anything for the first while? i'm so used to feeling such explosive feelings of lust, passion and excitement...and this is different. i mean, he's nice, we have fun, whatever...but i don't feel like there's jumper cables strung betweeen us. i'm going to keep going out with him, see where it goes, but right now i'm quite unsure what, if anything, i feel about him. and he smokes. blech. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: rock is good

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March 30th, 2004

09:54 am - why does the sun NEVER shine on my days off?!?! god damned stupid weather is starting to PISS ME OFF!!!! any day i'm working its sunnier than all hell out there, but my day off...overcast. thats right, overcast. no shorts for me. stupid sun can go to hell for all i care. fine, be cloudy. rain all the fucking time. see if i care. i like the rain. i do. so screw you sun! and your high and mighty ways. right... only 4 more classes to go!!!!!!!! i'm so damn excited i could vomit. well...maybe. but yeah. one week. then exams. then i'm so fucking done! eeeeeh! i don't think its a good sign that i'm this excited after only one semester. Current Mood: moody

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March 28th, 2004

08:05 pm - sunshine is good! yes, it is. so...just so you know, i changed my mind about talking to pat. yeah. i realised that its not him i miss so much, as just having someone to be with. and while i still do miss him, and would love to be with him, i don't think its worth it to say anything. its just better to leave it and move on. that was a big load of my mind. i feel so so so much better now. sigh. Current Mood: content

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March 26th, 2004

12:19 pm - okay! i decided. i'm going to talk to him. right. i mean it. i decided its better to be rejected again than to wander around wondering "what if" all the time. i REFUSE to be a victim of my emotions. no more! anyone that has any major objections to this would do well to advise me soon. i think i will do it on tuesday after school. so, if you don't think i should do it, lets discuss why. or if you have any helpful advice. that would be good too. okay, i think my day my be not awful now. 1 WEEK TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: determined

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March 25th, 2004

12:38 pm - ljjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj.jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjffff well, you ask a 2 year old for help, and you take what you can get i guess. i just wanted to tell you all how much i absolutely hate hate hate writing essays. a lot. thats how much. a whole fucking lot. at least its over with. meh sigh blah and boo. blech. here's jake again... jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjdddddddddddnj j f fncnnn jj,,,,d,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, jacob, the one and only folks! Current Mood: amused Current Music: power 104.7 and the silly mumblings of the boy-child

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March 24th, 2004

10:47 am - for fuck's sake oh my god, i just want to curl up and fucking die. i thought i was okay, i thought i would be fine, that i was moving on, that i would make it. but no. no, it was just a big fucking lie. i saw him today. i don't think he saw me, but i saw him. and it almost killed me. that hole, that huge fucking hole that goes right through the middle of me, was ripped wide again, simply because i happened to glance up and see him across campus. its not right. its not FUCKING fair. why should i feel this way? why should i have to be stuck with loving him, when he doesn't want to be with me? why? yeah, thats right, i said love. i don't care what anyone thinks. i fell in love with him. and i thought i could deal with this. i thought i had a handle on this situation, but i don't. i don't at all. the only thing i want in my life right now...forget figuring out school, and work, and breaking away from my family...the ONLY thing that i want right now is him. i would give damn near anything, just to hear him say, "lets try again". and i mean anything. for a chance. just a chance to be with him again. so what do i do? no, this isn't rhetorical, i'm actually asking, what the fuck do i do about this? i've tried letting time pass, and it gets worse every day. i tried to tell myself that you can't change people, and to just let it all go. i've even thought about hooking up with a couple people, just to get my mind off, but every time the opportunity comes up, i back off, because i know i'll just think about him the whole time. so tell my friends, what am i supposed to do? try talking to him again. explain what i'm feeling. would that help? could i change his mind? if there's a chance i could convince him to give it more time, give it another chance to work, i would throw my pride to the ground and beg him. but what do i say? no, i know exactly what to say: i know that you said you don't feel that way about me, but i don't think you gave it enough of a chance. all i'm asking for is the opportunity to be with you. i'm asking for nothing back. just let me be with you and maybe, just maybe, you'll see how well we could work together. it sounds retarded, as soon as i read it back. but thats what i feel. and i can't go on like this. i can't continute to pretend that i'm okay. so what options do i have? 1. give it more time. i hate this one. i hate it, and i don't feel like it will work. 2. talk to him. sigh. i just don't know how he'll take it. i don't want him thinking i'm some crazy stalker. but if there was a chance he'd say okay... 3. find someone else. maybe forget about him for a bit. it could work. i don't know. the problem is i've never had an easy time getting into relationships. if it was as simple as just hooking up with a rebound to help me move on, then fine. but its never that simple with me, because i never meet anyone that seems interested. how do i do that? i am so fucking clueless when it comes to this whole dating thing. god dammit! yeah, so basically, i'm having a shitty day, made worse by the fact that i have to work till 930, then come home and write my stupid fucking paper that i didn't do last night when i had tonnes of time, because i decided to go drink instead. yeah. really fucking smart. way to go me. fuck i'm so stupid sometimes. oh, and i would actually appreciate any advice that any of you can give me. please. i'm at an utter and complete loss here. i need serious help. thank you. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: that song by Alanis..."owe me nothing"...i relate to it

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March 23rd, 2004

05:53 pm - sigh i saw something beautiful today. as i walked across campus to catch the bus, some dried leaves from the trees were blowing across the sky about 6 or 7 feet above the heads of everyone. as i walked i just watched one leaf after another dance around and past me. it was so enthralling. its so nice, especially when i'm feeling pretty crappy like i have been, to be reminded that there are beautiful things in this world. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: sun fm is crappy

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